I'm Angry

I'm struggling with anger.

If you are familiar with my journey, it may come as no surprise.

Here's some of what I'm angry about:

1. Having to hide who I really was all my life - conform to a heterosexual norm
2. Having to use every ounce of emotional energy I had to appear "normal" at the cost of everything else in my life
3. The journey through christianity in the hope that it would "cure" me
4. Investing 45 years of my life into a belief system that brought nothing but shame and guilt
5. Realising that same belief system is nothing more than a man made set of doctrines
6. Realising I've been manipulated and controlled by a religious system that did the exact opposite of what it claimed - and being completely blind to it all my life
7. Deprived of ever having experienced a real mutually loving romantic relationship for 45 years
8. Seeing the same belief system cause untold pain and suffering in millions of others

And that's not the half of it!


I thought over the last 5 years I've been sorting it all out pretty well, and on a intellectual level I certainly have. Even emotionally I've processed a lot of stuff. But lately I've discovered the anger is deeper than I thought. It's that incessant feeling of "I've been ripped off all my life and it's too late to do anything about it".

Of course I know all the valuable lessons I've learned, all the clichés, platitudes and truisms, and intellectually I can reassure myself that it was worth it all. But I've unconsciously tried to suppress the anger - and even thought it was done and dusted and I could move on to a better life.

Nooo, I was deceived! As I research more about religion and its impact on not only LGBT people but humanity in general, I feel an anger, and a repulsion towards christianity (and ALL religions) in a way that's hard to describe.

Sure, I know there are millions of good loving people who bring their own love into a doctrinally bankrupt belief system and turn it around for good. But I'm still angry at the whole thing. I never want to set foot in a church again.

Yes, my understanding of spirituality is now so much bigger and all embracing and loving than I ever would have thought possible.

But I'm still angry - deep down angry. And I think that's ok. If I suppress it I'm really doing the same thing religion always wanted me to do. If I explode with it all, I risk damaging others. So I'm learning to express it, being aware that others could get hurt, but also aware that in sharing my hurt and anger, others will realise that they too have lived lives of abuse and deception that need to be opened up and drained like an infected wound.

Being "real" is something very few of us are good at. It's scary - to ourselves and everyone else. But I'm beginning to think that the world will be a far better place when we all understand what being real actually is, and we can do it "safely". (and that's a whole other blog).

Relationships With No Agenda

This is a great comment on love relationships. So simple and yet deeply profound, and more difficult to live than we would care to believe.
Full article here...

Dear bigoted, fundamentalist, homophobic christians...

Now that I have your attention, allow me to elaborate.

Have you ever noticed that if you pull someone up for something negative (especially online), most of the time they assume you're are making a derogatory comment about their value as a human being. They instantly think you are being personally slanderous.

If I say to someone that their comment is bigoted, most assume that I'm calling them a bigot, in the sense that I've just described their entire worth in one word. And yet all I'm saying is the comment or attitude that they have displayed in a particular context is bigoted.

There is also the whole issue of generalisations. I could say that most fundamentalist christians are close minded and refuse to listen to anything outside their set of dogmas. Once again, generalisations are exactly that - general statements that aren't meant to imply any personal defamation to an individual. It's simply a statement that describes a common mindset.

What I'm trying to say is that any particular mindset or opinion you may have about something  doesn't define your entire character or value as a human being. It may be an opinion that really sucks and needs to be challenged, but it still isn't who you are.

I have friends who I constantly have digs at for their particular views on something, but that doesn't devalue their humanity - their worth, the years of life experience, pain and suffering, joys, heartaches - all the things that make them humans like you and me!

Let's try to stop taking offence so easily and actually listen to people. If someone calls you a right wing conservative fundamentalist homophobic misogynist racist, it simply means they have reacted to that particular part of your life paradigm. It's what they've seen presented in a conversation or comment, a post or meme. And yes, often people get carried away and really do think your entire worth is contained in one viewpoint, but try to remember that they don't know you - they don't know everything that has made you who you are right now. They are reacting to that part of you that has been presented to them.

When you respond to people, be careful to clarify that it's the comment that may be the problem, NOT them as equal and fallible humans. The comment only represents a small part of their life paradigm. Instead of saying "you are a bigot", make it clear that "your comment was bigoted". Notice the difference? It's huge! And make sure that they understand the difference too!

It's all about love really - empathy and respect. And no, I don't always get it right myself, and lose my cool, but I'm also quick (hopefully) to apologise when I realise what I've done.

Living loved is what it's all about, and remember, you can always politely just "walk" away.

Achievement abuse

The pressure to "achieve" is relentless.

I don't just mean, get a good job or whatever. I mean to make something of your life -  to become a "useful/normal" member of society. We are told to get over our crap - sure, take time to work through it, so long as you actually "get better" - there's only so much "compassion" we are allowed to receive before it's time to move on and get back into the system.

In christian circles especially, this is a type of subtle but powerful abuse. Yep, that's right - abuse!

We use a combination of capitalism and the "protestant work ethic" backed by the twisted dogma of religion that demands we fit in to a mould - that we all look and behave the same, allowing just enough diversity so it appears we are tolerant.

This covers every aspect of life! Our personal goals and ambitions, our work ethic, relationships, mental health, finances, politics... All are neatly framed by expectations to conform, but most importantly, to "succeed".

Our ability to conform has become the measure of our success.

We are given all the help we need as long as we can measure the results of that help in terms of becoming "functional" members of society. And for christians, that means "functional" members of church. We measure relationship with God (our validity as a christian) by how much we have achieved. This includes our level of "obedience to God", our "ministry", our "service", having the perfect family, good finances (prospering) and a great smile that shows how we have "overcome".

But what if those measures of success are totally arbitrary? What if they are actually destroying us - destroying who we really are - our true identity? What if the pressure they put on us is slowly killing us?

What if there were no expectations to be anything other than who we are, and encouraged to simply find love in ourselves and everyone else?

All cultures have inflicted this on its people in some form. Christianity excels at it, especially as it bases it all on being pleasing to God. It makes God out to be the one who wants us to achieve the right (righteous) results, and excuses this abuse of our core identity and self worth by claiming it's the way God decrees it.

We are not broken. We are not miserable sinners desperately needing some external magic God to save us. We don't need to fit any mould. We are all completely unique, and when we are given the freedom to be just that, we'll all function together in ways we never imagined!

Confession of a father

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. 

I spent all my life so obsessed with the battles of religion and desperately trying to be a "normal" heterosexual husband and father, that I missed so much of my son's needs.
I could see he was hurting. I could see as he hit his teen years that he was struggling, and withdrawing.
I could see the calls for help when he was sick, and battled with IBS for so long.
I could see the darkness when his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer when he was 15.
I could see the ache and the walls he built as she died when he was 17.
But I was never really there for him. I tried, I really tried, but it was too late in many ways, and I couldn't get through.
He hurts, deeply, and I feel the remorse.
We'll get there, I know we will, and he knows I love him, and I know he loves me.
And my daughter, grown and long moved on. But I missed out on her life, her pain, and wasn't there for her either. I'm so grateful to her mother and new father for being what I couldn't be. And yes, she loves me too, and she knows I love her!

Here's the bitter irony.

I wasted most of my life living the lies of religion, denying my own integrity and living a dishonest life. But that life brought forth my children. Two beautiful people.

If I'd lived with the integrity I so craved (to the point of being suicidal), they would not be here. So my life of "faking it" still brought something good.

What do you do with something like that? I hate the lies that told me I couldn't just be me. I hate them with a passion. But living those lies produced two beautiful people. Well, I guess that's just how it goes. But the pain of not being able to be the father they really needed, because of some screwed up religious dogma makes me angry.
I spent every ounce of emotional energy on maintaining the lie, leaving nothing for them.

It'll be OK, I know. But I'm putting this out there to show just how disgusting religion in all its forms can be. I lived some christian lie that directly affected the lives of two women and two kids. I know they still love me, but it hurts more than they may ever realise. And that hurt is something untold numbers of gay men (and women) experience.


It's got to stop!
How many more screwed up lives do there have to be before things really change?!?!

I'm not saying this looking for pity, I'm saying it so we can grow, and live real lives - to get the word out there to every LGBT person on this planet - we don't have to be someone else, to live up to some religious expectation or cultural demands. We really are free to be who we are!

Something VERY personal

I'm sharing this very personal information, NOT because I'm looking for sympathy, because seriously, I'm OK in many ways and have worked through it to the point where I feel comfortable enough to put it out there! This is something that needs to be said.

I'm making some assumptions that you know my story and may have read my book. But in a nutshell, I never had the chance to be in love. Sure, I did fall in love, but I could never act on it. Having a deep romantic relationship with another guy wasn't even an option for me.

I was confined to living a lie and shutting down every bit of attraction to guys that was possible so that I could live as a straight guy, get married and have a family.

But what that did to me at a deep level, was shut down every bit of relational identity and growth at my late 20s. From that point on, I was a fraud. I had shut down, no life, no integrity, a fake!

But now I'm free to live my true self, finally with the integrity I craved for so long. But here's the problem. I still feel like, in terms of what I'd look for in relationships, I'm stuck at that point in my 20s. I love the vibrancy of youth, the sense of so much to learn and grow, the passion and life.

I really feel like my life stopped back then, but now I'm this old guy who's missed out.

Of course, that's just my body getting older. Like many of us older folks, we still feel young inside, lol! But for me it's like I never had the chance to be that romantic youth, finding the joy of intimate love without any shame, guilt or fear.

I know there are many older gay people out there who know this feeling, and I'm simply saying its OK. There are many of us who know what it feels like. I know many older guys in the same place, and there's often a quiet sadness there and a resignation to the inevitable. Some find love where they least expect it of course, and other's just go on, and some... well, it can get really sad.

I'm comfortable with myself these days. I like my own company, and am at peace. I have amazing friends and confidants. Perhaps I'll grow enough to not even think about the issue any more. But even so, I'm content. My identity in myself is whole. I don't need someone else to "complete" me, because that would put unrealistic expectations on any relationship!

So there you go. This isn't a pity party. It's just the way it is, and there can be a beautiful contentment in that!

For the Love of Facebook!

Facebook!!

What an amazing place!

Sometimes I think I spend way too much time there. I belong to about 50 groups (far too many to have meaningful contact with them all!). I have four of my own pages and a couple of groups, so yeah, I'm committed to this!

Some days I get overwhelmed. Too much crap! Depressing world news, pictures of people being tortured, children abused, all sorts of horror hitting me in the face, demanding my attention, emotions, responses, money, time. So much that I can do little or nothing about. So much that overwhelms, to the point of desensitising and just skimming over it all.

But then there are cats, and food, and babies, and funny memes...

There's also the friendships - with people you've never met. Some become quite deep and personal, others are just fun and flippant. I've had the wonderful fortune of meeting a couple of FB friends from overseas - and it was wonderful!!

But there's also a huge world of discussion, argument, conflicting views, exploring ideas, discovery, growth - and also the world of preaching, bigotry, hate, dogma, ignorance. There's a lot of really ugly stuff as well.

So why do we do it? Why do I spend so much time on it?

On one hand, I like it when I'm "Liked". I express some idea, post something funny or meaningful and the Likes come rolling in - it feels good. I post something controversial or challenging and get the Likes, the encouragement, the discussions and arguments, and it feels good to have triggered something bigger than myself.

On the other hand, I can get attacked. I can be vulnerable and have people take advantage of that. I can be abused, misunderstood and victimised by people completely unwilling to hear others, or who are just victims of their own biases and dogma. But it hurts, especially when you know they don't see you as a real person, with the same loves and passions and fears as all of us!

But on the other hand (Ok, three hands, but who's counting), I see a mass of humanity, all wanting to be understood, to be accepted, affirmed in their humanity, to be honoured for where they are at. People wanting to be loved.

I get torn. There's so much shallow thinking, so much obsession with meaningless stuff. So many who fail to see the most basic consequences of their thoughts and actions. People totally unaware of their paradigms and biases, who they are and what made them that way. People who are so self centred that they refuse to believe for a second that they could be wrong about anything.

I get torn because I know these people need love - more than anything else, they need to experience pure, unconditional love. But we also need to educate, to challenge - and some are so ignorant of the damage they inflict on other people that we can't simply sit back and let them go on.

Perhaps empathy is the key. When we stop and really want to understand others, to get inside their heads and feel the way they do, we might be able to respond in a way that brings life and healing.

Some christian circles might call it prophesy or "word of knowledge", but we don't need some wanky religious jargon to apply a basic human attribute. Empathy has nothing to do with our belief systems. It transcends any religion or dogma. Empathy is unconditional love. It's as simple as taking the time to listen without prejudice and put ourselves in their shoes.

Facebook! (and the entire internet/social media network) - we can make it a place of life and love. It's the most powerful tool for the growth of mankind that the world has ever seen!!

 

 

On Being Offensive

It's been an interesting few days! I've learned a lot about being offensive and taking offence!

One of the Facebook groups I frequent had a blow-out. I won't go into details, but you can imagine, if you've been on Facebook long enough.

It wasn't pretty and people got hurt, blamed the administrator, relationships broken, and now there's all the subsequent slander and back-biting that inevitably comes after people are hurt and feel betrayed.

I even tried to bring some understanding, hope and life into the mess and got slammed for being controlling, insensitive, passive aggressive etc.

It hurt. Many simply couldn't or wouldn't understand what I was saying.

What came out of all this though, is the whole idea of venting - expressing our offences and hurts, working through the pain and frustration, being free to look at abuse and how it affects us, and right through to holding the other person accountable for
what they've done.

This is a huge issue, and something we aren't really good at discussing in depth. When people are really hurt, the last thing they want is to be rational. They need the space to process and work through it all. But there's also the issue of inflaming the problem, of causing damage to others, that down the line sometime, we may realise was completely unjustified. We can cause a heck of a lot of damage to others during the venting process.

What do we do? How do we express this stuff in a way that affirms our own pain and feelings of injustice, rejection, control or whatever, but allows the "offender" the same right to process the events - all in a way that brings life and love.

All too often the end result is complete separation and division, and, especially where there has been religion involved, accusations of selfish, evil intentions, fraud, slander, you name it. It turns into a witch hunt, looking for any action the offender may have made that could be construed to fit with the initial offence.

Perhaps the very public acts of control, abuse and deception by high profile "preachers and ministers" that have affected many innocent people, have created a mentality that is overly sensitive to these issues? We are far more aware of how this dynamic works than we ever have been. But here's the thing - we are all capable of it, and actually do it all the time as part of our complex systems of interactions and relationships.

I've often caught myself trying to manipulate a situation, say the right words to get people to agree with me and do what I want. I've juggled group dynamics to my own benefit, and as a worship leader, its something we are trained to do very well (but that's a whole other story!!). I want to protect my vested interests, my security - not in terms of income etc, but in terms of my self value. I've worked hard to protect myself and I want to maintain that, even if it means using manipulation to achieve it.

This is what we do as humans. We all do. But when we are in a position of power and responsibility, these habits become far more problematic.

So how does this all work in relation to my original idea? Bloody good question!!

Perhaps it simply means that we ALL have a far greater responsibility to own our emotions than we care to admit. Perhaps our propensity for self pity, however well deserved, is our Achilles Heal. We need to be honest with ourselves on every level, to admit our weaknesses and to give ourselves room to process, work through the emotions and grow. We need the space and freedom to come out the other end with dignity and self-worth. But if we do that at the expense of anyone else, have we really achieved anything?

I don't know. Relationships are hard. All I DO know is that love, compassion and empathy are absolutely key to all we do, no matter how difficult, even in our worst pain! Love is a key we so easily throw away in focussing on our own needs.

Let's work together - be vulnerable - be open - share our pain - remember that we all need the same amount of love; no matter if we have offended, or are offended.

Clericalism

I have a guest blog today from Dylan Morrison - a wonderful and very insightful writer (check out his books here).

Enjoy!!

Click here to see original article

I guess there’s always been a bunch of folk who saw themselves as intermediaries of sort between God and man. How come? Well I believe that bizarrely the roots of religious belief can be found in mob violence – the founding murder, so to speak. I’d better explain.

Ancient man lived in small extended family groupings or prototype tribes. When something went wrong in their fight for survival and things began to get a little heated, a scapegoat was quickly found and dispatched in a fit of rage. This unexpected blood-letting released a quasi sense of cathartic peace in the remaining family members, who began to interpret it as the blessing of the Divine Spirit in the Sky! “Ah, so if we kill someone or something on a regular basis, we can obtain the favour of the One above. If we sacrifice to Transcendence, blessings will flow.” The birth of sacrificial religious thought which sadly continues to this day.

Over time, the tribe asked for volunteers to dot he dirty deed and so the priesthood was born. Those not afraid to get blood on their hands in exchange for a new prestige within the community. “We are a cut above the rest,” became their sacred slogan as they sharpened their clerical knives. And so it has continued through the ages. For some the blood is still part of the killing vocation, for others it’s now a symbolic role, dispensing the wine of the slain Lamb on a regular basis. Since time immemorial we have been into blood and so it remains. Further exploration of this obsession is for another day. What I really want to focus on is the sociological residue of such a belief system – the clerical class.

Now, let me say that I’m friends with a number of priests of varying shades. I’m not here to question their motives or their devotion to the Divine; rather I wish to question whether they are needed. Of course, when professional livelihoods are involved the cleric understandably fights back with 2000 years of Christian tradition or even more in the case of the older religions. I can understand that all too human reaction. When we need food on the table for our kids we’ll perform all sorts of pastoral back flips to justify our existence.

No, do we really need a professional class of priests, pastors and dare I say it, Apostles ( for my Pentecostal friends) in order to know God. Do we still require the experts to stand between Divine Source and man? Well, if we still insist on communities that centre around a round of religious gatherings in a purpose-built building, then the clergy still play a role, albeit an organisational one. For, let’s face it, if there wasn’t a paid official to do all the stuff, the whole system would collapse due to apathy. Folk have always wanted a Moses figure to go up the Mount and come back with a tabletised list of instructions from God, especially if they can also perform the role of CEO for the business named church.

I guess I’m saying that we don’t need a bunch of men or women to dispense the Divine for us, for Presence already dwells within. What we may need is one almighty shock to our ego system, that reveals this dramatic truth, one that rarely comes through the dedicated efforts of the clergy. A sudden death, a health scare, a divorce, redundancy etc all have the potential to jolt us into an Awakening experience. The place for answers is within, in the depths of our ego screams. There the Light dwells and we knew it not. Most folk within clerical systems of ministry are nice folk, though not all. Yet, there very existence may divert folk from meeting the Divine, heart to Heart. A little ministerial cul-de-sac that seems to help for a while until a new top-up of concern is needed. Life is messy and it’s there that Divine Love has chosen to dwell.

The trouble is that the priest/pastor/reverend etc can feel that it’s their job to keep the whole God show on the road. This is often done by teaching the particular dos and don’ts of their interpretive tradition. Having joined the clerical class to help mankind they can so easily end up propping up a moral empire based on the interpretive add-ons of their religious tradition. It’s so easy to switch into control mode in the name of the God of freedom. It’s the historical virus that invades the very heart of religious systems. The priest once more stands as judge and jury on the whole God-man thing, tempted to shed blood, albeit verbally on the chosen scapegoat.

Finally, let me tell you a wee story. A couple of years back here in Lincoln, I was out for a walk along the local High Street when I noticed a bunch of Christians doing their evangelistic thing. Always willing to have a chat will fellow God folk, I stopped and entered into a friendly chat with a guy, who turned out to be the pastor of the gang. At first our conversation was friendly but soon it was strongly inferred that I should be a church member and come along to sample his particular brand of gathering. At this point I suggested that the pastor try a wee experiment. Why not stop all church gatherings for a year, when folk could just mix with society at large. After 12 months have a meeting to see how many people had become Christians through contact with his flock. Unfortunately, I saw sheer disbelief in his eyes. “Dylan, I couldn’t do that.” “Why not?” I asked. “Well, frankly my members wouldn’t make it if it weren’t for our church programme.” Enough said. ” The Christ within would wither up and die if the pastor’s flock didn’t get their weekly worship session and sound Bible instruction.

The clerical system at its worst methinks.